Funny office stories!

Double Standards

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don''t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn''t do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I''m ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he''s co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets

Top 10 Reasons to Go to Work Naked

· Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"

· Take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

· Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.

· "I''d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

· To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

· You want to see if it''s like the dream.

· People stop stealing your pens after they''ve seen where you keep them.

· Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

· Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

· No one steals your chair.

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR FALLING ASLEEP AT YOUR DESK

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"Amen"

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

NEW SECRETARY

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

A STORY ABOUT EVERYBODY

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.